“The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.”
-Norman Vincent Peale
In Part 1 about how to motivate kids, we learned how intrinsic motivation—the built-in desire to learn and grow—is far more powerful than extrinsic motivation at sustaining good habits. But if you’re like most parents, you probably tell your kids how smart they are with the intention of boosting your child’s self-esteem and performance. One of the hotly debated topics in the field of parenting concerns the use of praise. So we return to continue answering the question: Does praise help motivate kids to work harder or does it do just the opposite?
How to Motivate Kids: Praise for Effort, Not Success
Although research about the perils of too much praise on children’s learning is not new, it is so important that it bears repeating. Here’s the punchline: don’t praise less, praise intentionally. Psychologist Carol Dweck at Stanford University is one of the leaders of this approach. In 1998, she and Claudia Mueller from Columbia University published their original article, “Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children’s Motivation and Performance,” was published with Claudia Mueller from Columbia University in 1998, and it created quite a stir since the prevailing belief at the time was that praise helped increase motivation.
Contrary to the notion that praise is always a motivator, the authors found that praise is instead a double-edged sword. Sometimes praise can actually decrease a child’s intrinsic motivation. Dweck’s research highlights an important tip for parents, namely, that praise for effort —not success— is what matters. Since then, Dweck and others have been looking at how parents and educators can help children develop the type of mindset (or set of beliefs) that leads to increased internal motivation.
Understanding Fixed Mindset & Growth Mindset
Carol Dweck developed the concept of mindset through decades of research on achievement and success. Those with a fixed mindset believe their basic qualities, like intelligence or talent, are fixed traits. In this view, talent alone creates success, so children may spend more time proving their ability than working to develop it.
In contrast, those with a growth mindset believe their most basic abilities can be developed and improved through dedication and hard work. Innate gifts are just the starting point. This second view encourages a love of learning and the resilience needed to accomplish great things. Check out the video on mindsets, a great dialogue between a parent and a psychologist describing Dweck’s concepts.
Why Effort Matters More Than Being “Smart”
Dweck’s original research found that many of the kids who had been labeled smart performed far worse than those who were praised for their hard work, regardless of their results on a particular task. In Mindset, Dweck writes:
There’s another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you’re dealt and have to live with, always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you’re secretly worried it’s a pair of tens. In this mindset, the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.
The growth mindset creates inspirational and secure passion for learning. She continues:
Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? And why seek out the tried and true, instead of experiences that will stretch you? The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.
Dweck’s research found that ninety-two per cent of the kids praised for their effort were eager to take on a more challenging task. Since then, researchers have repeated this study with hundreds of kids from all socioeconomic backgrounds with the same results. Kids who receive the wrong kind of praise are less likely to take risks, are highly sensitive to failure and are more likely to give up when faced with a challenge. When children are repeatedly told how smart they are, they may develop a fixed mindset. Check out another video where Dweck elaborates on this here.
Modeling A Growth Mindset for Your Kids
As a parent, you would probably find it difficult to express failure especially in front of our kids. Everyone wants to be naturally good at everything. But in taking on the perspective of your kids, having them see you learn something and fail, and then model ways in which you can react to failure encourages that mindset growth.
For example, if you are just starting a new hobby (like painting, or knitting, or tennis for example), you will probably make mistakes, miss the ball, or have to redo your work. Instead of hiding these mistakes or beating yourself up, it becomes a learning opportunity for your child.
“I can see my mistake… I need to redo this bit… I can’t see where I’ve gone wrong… I’ll start this again from the beginning… I’m feeling very cross with this at the moment… I’m going to have a five minute break and have another look then…”
Understanding these differences can help parents learn how to motivate kids from within…All of these are opportunities for growth for both yourself and your children.
Keep The Curiosity Going
I am reminded of a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson who realized, “When I was praised I lost my time, for instantly I turned around to look at the work I had thought slightly of, and that day I made nothing new.” Praise can inadvertently take our attention away from our creative process, our own sense of how hard we are trying, and how much we value what we have accomplished.
Next time you are inclined to tell your child what a great drawing he or she has done, try something new. Point out how much time you’ve noticed she’s put into it, and ask, “What do you think of it? How might you make it even better?” In this way, we can help our children understand how to motivate themselves to keep learning and growing.
Be sure to read our other article, Look Out, Parents! The Kids are Catching Your Emotions that elaborates on the fascinating psychology of how your emotions or emotions of other affects your child